Pick Up the Phone

A couple of weeks ago, I was juggling multiple time-sensitive projects when someone began doing work which I felt was mine to do, that I wanted to do, and in an order that made no sense to me.

I initially reacted from momentary frustration.

Becoming a coach does not uninstall the old neural pathways. Under the right conditions (low on sleep, skipping workouts, doing too much), they still know exactly how to short-circuit our best self.

I recognized it and slowed down. I planned a phone call instead. I wanted to understand what was motivating the other person, express my concerns, and get us on the same page.

On a walk beforehand, my daughter offered some unsolicited but pretty spot-on advice: "It seems like you react when something catches you off guard and you're already stressed. Maybe ground yourself and expect some surprises before you call." 

(Proud parenting moment.)

So I did.

The curiosity I brought into that call didn't require me to drop my concerns. It let me address them while protecting something just as important: the relationship. The conversation gave me understanding and revealed a better way forward for both of us.

That encounter with one of my own well-worn neural pathways reminded me of the toolbox that helps me move from reacting to responding.

For years, I have offered residents what I call “Physician Toolbox Talks,” helping residents and faculty expand the tools available to navigate the demands of residency and practicing medicine in this day and age.

When we are activated, pausing followed by grounding and centering practices like breathing and engaging our senses can help settle the nervous system. Once that has happened, we can then reach for any number of tools to help us respond in a way to be proud of. 

Imagine an "Activation kit" wrapped in blue sterile paper and sealed with that brown tape. Inside:

·       Empathy and compassion (often through perspective-taking)

·       Curiosity (asking questions to understand)

·       Creativity (thinking outside the box, often in service of partnership)

·       Acceptance (cease arguing with reality, even the unpreferred ones) 

·       A challenge perspective (seeing the situation as a challenge rather than a threat)

·       Seeking the positive (looking for the silver lining). 

Each of these can help us move beyond our initial reaction and toward a more useful question: Now what?

Of course, the trick is remembering the kit is there so when we are activated, we can choose whatever tool seems best at the time.

This wasn't the first time slowing down and being curious changed the outcome. Years ago, I had a long back-and-forth with a pharmacist, conducted both electronically and through a medical assistant, getting nowhere but escalation. When I finally picked up the phone, I found we were much closer to a shared solution than our messages had suggested.

Asking questions, it turns out, serves me well.

Reflection:

What conditions make you most likely to react ?

Which tool have you used successfully in the past, that you’ve now remembered to layout on the surgical stand ahead of time?

What new tool do you want to try next time?