Asking a Better Question

One of the most powerful things we can learn is that the way we think about a situation shapes how we experience it.

The facts of a situation may be outside our control. (Other people certainly are.) But between what happens and how we respond, our brains are busy making meaning – it automatically offers us thoughts, which influence how we feel, which influences how we behave, and ultimately the results we create.

That’s why gaining a different perspective can be so powerful.

Sometimes curiosity helps: What might I be missing?

Sometimes it’s perspective-taking: What might this look like from the other person’s point of view?

We can look for common ground or deliberately consider the opposite of the conclusion our brain has already reached to wiggle loose the automatic narratives.

And sometimes we have to stop arguing with ourselves about whether a thought is objectively true or not, and ask a more useful question: Is thinking this way helping me show up the way I want to?

I’ve used, and taught, all of these along with others.

Sometimes a small shift in perspective changes everything. We see the person or situation differently, our emotions shift, and we have access to a different way of responding. One we can feel proud of.

But what happens when we can’t find a believable shift? You can’t trick your own brain in any substantial way (well, beyond lying to yourself about the marker you can stop running during a race 😉).

When that happens, I’ll often explore whether judgment, especially self-judgment, is keeping us stuck. Or whether there’s an emotion that simply needs to be allowed and processed before another perspective becomes available.

A recent coaching conversation got me thinking about what happens when those aren’t the case.

A recent coaching conversation started me thinking, what happens when we can’t find another way of seeing the person or situation that feels genuine, but the way we’re currently thinking has us showing up in a way we’re not proud of?

Here’s where that conversation went.

“I don’t know what happened. This is not who I want to be,” said the person I was coaching.

The faculty member was frustrated with one of their leaders. After a series of interactions, they were unhappy with their own reactions and behavior.

They had worked with me over a couple of years, so they knew some things that helped. They tried to see the situation differently. When that didn’t work they brought it to a coaching session. We explored other perspectives together, but nothing we came up with felt genuine. Also there weren’t any apparent significant self-judgment keeping them stuck, nor was there a lot of unprocessed emotions keeping them from moving forward. 

So I went back to something they had said at the beginning.

“This isn’t who you want to be. Who do you want to be?”

They knew.

They wanted to be genuine, gracious, and professional.

So we explored a different question: If the situation didn’t change, the other person didn’t change, and even the way they saw that person didn’t change, what would they need to think or believe to be genuine, gracious, and professional?

After a few minutes, they discovered it:

“I’d have to believe and remember, I’m becoming the kind of faculty member who can be genuine, gracious, and professional, despite circumstances and others.”

That they could believe.

They didn’t have to manufacture a different perspective of the leader. They didn’t have to convince themselves of something that didn’t feel true.

The shift just needed to be away from the situation and person putting their attention to something they had influence over: who they were becoming.

And that felt empowering.

The situation, leader, nor their perspective changed.

But now they had access to a different way of responding, one in which they could feel proud.

Reflection:

• What is your favorite way of gaining a new perspective and how has that served you well in the past?

• Think of a current challenging situation that you can’t get traction of seeing it differently – but one you want to respond differently. What would it look like to focus on the person you are, want to be, or are becoming?

• What is one small thought about yourself that you can practice this week that you actually believe?