Called Up

Not too long ago, I was coaching a resident who had been struggling. Over the course of our work together, we unpacked a lot. On the last session, she said something that I will carry forward from here on out.

When I asked what she was taking away from our coaching, she told me she had remembered who she truly was. She had regained perspective, empathy, and compassion, not only for others, but for herself. In the words of my friend and fellow coach Melissa Parsons, she was finding her way back to her “favorite version” of herself.

That sparked my renewed gratitude of one of the foundational points of coaching: seeing the person in front of me as whole, capable, and resourceful. That isn’t just a nice coaching phrase. It means genuinely believing in someone’s capacity, even when they or others are having trouble seeing it themselves.

That is powerful.

I’ve also seen the opposite. Years ago, when my daughter was little and struggling, there were times when the adults and children around her began to see her as “the bad kid.” And, unsurprisingly, sometimes her behavior seemed to grow in the direction others had come to expect of her.

I’ve written before about what I had to learn during those years, including my own need to stop seeing only the behaviors that were challenging us and start seeing the whole child again. That change had a domino effect – I began seeing her differently, she began seeing herself differently, her behavior changed, and then others could see her differently as well. (PS She’s an amazing woman and mom now).

I’ve seen this concept play out in leadership as well.

Years ago, one of my program directors taught me a lesson about this that has stuck with me.

We had a newer faculty member who, let’s just say, wasn’t exactly winning over the residents. There were also questions about this person’s knowledge and skills in an important area of family medicine.

And then our program director put that person in charge of that curricular area.

Some of us had questions.

I had the opportunity to ask my program director about the decision privately. His response was simple:

“You have to give people the opportunity to grow.”

Then he essentially said, “Let’s step back and watch what happens.”

So we did.

And over the next couple of years, I watched that faculty member grow. They deepened their clinical knowledge and skills. They grew into the role. And the person who had initially been somewhat off-putting to residents eventually became a well-loved member of the faculty, quirks and all.

My program director hadn’t ignored the areas where this faculty member needed to grow. He saw them.

But he also saw what might be possible.

And then he did something important: he gave that person an opportunity to grow into that possibility.

I’ve watched versions of this happen many times since.

I’ve seen residents step into leadership roles and become more thoughtful about their words because they suddenly understood the gravity of their words and behavior. They learned to advocate for their peers without stirring the pot, and to have difficult conversations with professionalism, clarity, and kindness.

I’ve watched outwardly disgruntled associate program directors step into the program director role and rise to the leadership occasion. The challenges remained, but something about being entrusted with the role, and recognizing what the role required of them, called for something different.

Maybe someone else’s belief helped them see something in themselves. Or maybe it was the esteem they attributed to the role’s responsibility.

For some, it was likely both.

I continue to think back to the lesson my program director taught me all those years ago.

Believing in someone’s capacity doesn’t require us to deny their current reality.

We can see where someone is struggling. We can hold appropriate expectations. We can give honest feedback.

And we can still leave room for who they might become.

Sometimes, we may even need to give them the opportunity to become that person before either of us knows exactly what they’ll do with it.

Reflection

• Who have you prematurely decided someone is? What might change if you believed in their potential?

• Whose belief in you can you borrow as you grow your own?

• What opportunity in front of you might be calling you to grow into something more?