When Effort Feels Right

A couple of weeks ago, my friend, colleague, and physician advocate Dr. Sasha Shillcutt wrote something that grabbed my attention:

“Can we all stop shaming women who work hard?”

It resonated.

The pendulum has needed to swing toward rest and boundaries for a long time. We’ve finally begun to normalize saying no, protecting time, and valuing recovery. All good, necessary changes. But lately I’ve noticed a new kind of judgment showing up, disguised as well-intentioned advice: You shouldn’t work through lunch. You shouldn’t log on at night.

I understand where that impulse comes from, and I also understand the other side.

Earlier this year, our team launched a statewide Graduate Medical Education initiative. It was a massive, complex lift made possible by a remarkable group of people, and I poured an enormous amount of time and care into it. Many weekends, many early mornings before my other work. When it finally launched and new leaders were onboarded, I had a moment to breathe. It took what it took, and I was happy to give.

A colleague who’s led plenty of major academic efforts checked in gently, noting how much I’d been doing. I was happy to tell him I was on a breather.

It was short-lived. Within weeks, five new (but interrelated) projects, aligned with my passion and purpose, were in motion, some bigger than my comfort level. But I was thrilled. Am thrilled. And I'm back at it early and many weekends. But not evening or nights, I have a hard stop for myself then.

Another wise colleague pointed out last week, during a meeting, how much it seemed I was taking on. We talked about how fulfilling it is to pour yourself into meaningful work. Then she gently warned, “You can burn out from those types of things too. I did. I’m just now back to enjoying it.”

Yep. Likely needed to hear that. It made me re-look at my early warning signs.

I’ve learned to pay attention to my own “tells”:

• When workouts get postponed, or skipped instead of prioritized.
• When my daily veggie scramble becomes two fried eggs because it’s faster.
• When my husband gives off his subtle cues.

Earlier in the week, I skipped a workout for no reason other than I was in flow. Because of that conversation, it stood out. I added back some downtime in the mornings, stopped trying to cram in all the things throughout each day, knocked off early one day I could, and reset. It’s nice to catch it early for a change.

The Coaching Conversations That Echo This

I’ve coached plenty of residents and faculty who feel conflicted about how hard they’re working.

They’ll say things like, “I know I shouldn’t be working at night, but…” or “There’s just too much to do.” Sometimes, they don’t even realize they’re conflicted until we unpack it.

We start sorting out what they’re choosing versus what they feel obligated to do and whether they actually like their reasons.

Sometimes their reasons make perfect sense to them:

“It’s okay if I work extra on this elective; I’m filling in critical gaps before applying to competitive fellowship.” “It’s okay if I put in extra hours; it’s a rewarding goal that aligns with what I care most about in our program.”

And sometimes the work stems only from obligation, compliance, people-pleasing, or intolerance of anything less than ideal. They often feel others’ expectations are unrealistic.

When that’s the case, we still return to why and choice. If you set aside what others expect, why might you want to do it? How much effort do you want to give? Where does your agency lie?

Then we zoom out in both cases to count the cost: What will it take from you? Is it worth it? How will you know when it’s not? What are your “tells” a reset is in order? How will you reset?

That reframe clarifies what’s theirs to own, what’s not, what resources or delegation they need to ask for, and it restores a sense of agency.

Hard work isn’t the enemy. Unexamined obligation is.

And maybe, as Sasha reminded us, working hard isn’t something to fix or shame, it’s something to understand. So, when we worry about someone, first remember we don't know if it's fueling them or draining them. Second, it's okay to reach out and say something. But, rather than advice, maybe inquire how they're experiencing it and if they tune into their "tells" easily. They won't feel shamed, they'll appreciate the care; you'll worry less; and it maybe be the reminder they need.

Reflection:

• What are you choosing, and do you like your reasons?

• Where does your agency lie?

• What are your tells that you’ve gone too far?

• What does a reset look like for you?