Rumble of Renovation, Story and Reflection

I know I talk a lot about renovation - that's because I have spent no less than 19 years living in three different houses undergoing renovation by my husband - who has a day job! Plus, the experiences are so rich with lessons! So I want to take you back a few years.

But first - Brene’ Brown defines a rumble as “a discussion, conversation, or meeting defined by a commitment to lean into vulnerability, to stay curious and generous, to stick with the messy middle of problem identification and solving, to take a break and circle back when necessary, to be fearless in owning our parts, and, as psychologist Harriet Lerner teaches, to listen with the same passion with which we want to be heard.”

The setting and background:

Time: During the 24th year of marriage, the 12th year of living in renovation, on the third home renovation.

Background: Year 3 of cooking with only a single burner butane camping stove, microwave, and toaster oven in a makeshift kitchen.

Setting: Somewhere in Alaska in a soon-to-be-completed kitchen. Cabinets in place, counter and tile waiting to be installed. Appliances ordered.

The impasse:

Me: I want the stainless-steel backsplash that comes as an option with the stove and has a cute little shelf.

Him: As the main hands-on renovator with a full-time day job, he is tired of hassles and obstacles. He wants the tile to go down to the stovetop so he can be done.

Both of us: We want a pot-filler.

My objection: Tile installed down to the stove is not the look I want aesthetically. Plus, the grout will get so dirty and be hard to clean.

His objection: The add-on stainless steel backsplash is made of material that appears flimsy. The shelf height would block the pot filler’s perfect height. Moving the filler up would be too high, and moving it down would mean drilling through the flimsy stainless steel, and it would take heroic measures to pull the stove out from the wall if ever needed.

Brene’ teaches that what gets in the way of really getting through an issue is when we "armor up" with perfectionism, anger, knowing-it-all, control-oriented, emotional rigidity, or a criticizing approach (3 of those may be my go-to armor 😬).

The good news is that all the renovations over the years taught us a bit about taking off the armor to improve our rumble skills. We listened to each other with curiosity and realized we both had valid concerns, but there was no easy solution. We recognized that each of us brought something important to the discussion. The rumbling, breaks, and circling back continued for several days. We were at an impasse.

Enter - innovation and ingenuity:

Full credit goes to my husband for solving the issue with a bit of outside-the-box thinking. He hired a local sheet metal company to make a taller stainless backsplash with a taller shelf that could mount to the wall rather than the stove. The pot-filler still had to go through it, but it was sturdier, and would be attached to the wall rather than the stove - so it resolved the issue of being able to access behind the stove. The creation ended up looking and functioning better than either of us alone would have created or even imagined.

I think it was Albert Einstein who said, “In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.”

That’s where we are with medical training programs and healthcare systems in general. Over 60% of residents and 50% of attending physicians meet criteria for burnout. Approximately 300 physicians commit suicide each year – much higher than the average rate in the US. Primary Care residencies are closing or reducing their slots, rural labor and delivery departments are closing, as are many remote hospitals. Whatever we are doing currently is not working and is not sustainable. We need a wide array of people at the discussion table without trying to control, be right, or get defensive. We need curiosity and mutual respect – each brings a unique perspective.

Impasses can lead to innovation and ingenuity. As they say, necessity is the mother of invention (or is it adversity?). Either way – we need people with cleaned-up thinking and growth mindsets to set to the task of healthcare training and delivery reconstruction. There will be rumbling in the renovation, but having all the voices at the table and respecting that each brings an important perspective, I’m hopeful that the outcome will be more amazing than we can imagine.  For some of you, it's your time to rise and be at the table.

Thank you to those stepping up, entering the arena, and dropping the armor. We need all of you!

What other areas may you take off the armor, rumble, and create effective strategies and solutions?